Ways to Approach Bedtime Battles
As our babies come out of infancy and grow into pre-schoolers we, as parents and carers, get the privilege of getting to know their personalities and quirks, and watching them blossom into themselves. Alongside this beauty, of course, there are also always new, unexpected challenges. sleep through the night. without cry it out. gentle sleep training. improving baby sleep. help my baby sleep.
Most parents will at some point experience their little one resisting bedtime: not cooperating with aspects of a once-loved bedtime routine, perhaps, or the getting into and staying in bed but stalling, so that bedtime ends up being very late. Whatever the particular situation, do feel reassured you’ve not ‘done anything wrong’ – all of these challenges are a natural aspect of development as young children search for more control, independence and explore their boundaries. And also know that you aren’t alone in struggling with these behaviours, which feel so much worse because you are drained after a long day of parenting, working or both and are, naturally enough, desperate for a break. no cry it out. gentle sleep training. improving baby sleep. help my baby sleep.
Research suggests bedtime resistance peaks around 4 years of age. However, it can come in waves; some more forceful than others.
One study found that parents are more satisfied with results when implementing techniques to address bedtime battles that use positive reinforcement, focusing on behaviours you want to increase rather than punishing those you’d like to decrease. (Reimers, Wacker & Cooper, 1991). sleep through the night. without cry it out. gentle sleep training. improving baby sleep.
Here are some approaches founded in positive reinforcement to consider if you’re struggling with bedtime battles:
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The Bedtime Pass
The idea is that, after your bedtime routine and lights out, your child has one physical pass they can use for a request.
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Ideal for children who have independent sleep skills but don’t want to put themselves to sleep anymore!
Best applied with the child who’s hopping out of bed, asking for a million different things, or in other words ‘stalling’.
Focuses on positive reinforcement and can help hand over some power to your child whilst also setting a very clear boundary.
How to implement this technique? sleep through the night. without cry it out. gentle sleep training. improving baby sleep.
Choose a time in the day (before bedtime) when your child is happy, not tired or hungry and receptive. Start by recognising that at bedtime they often feel like they need lots of things after they go to bed. Explain that you are going to give them a special card that they can exchange for one request. Lay some ground rules that it has to be something appropriate like an extra hug or a drink or going to the bathroom. Focus the conversation on what you will allow, rather than giving examples of what you won’t (e.g. you can’t ask for sweets). Be clear that they will be allowed one pass and you won’t be allowing any further requests. You can make the card yourself to present to them or spend time together decorating it. sleep through the night. without cry it out.
At bedtime, remind them of the pass and rules. You can add an extra incentive of a treat in the morning if they don’t use their pass at all. When they then call for you asking for something, physically take the pass from them, allow it (if it’s a reasonable request) and remind them there will not be any more passes. After that, if the child calls out again or gets out of bed, remind them they’ve used their pass and its sleepy time, walk them back to bed with minimal interaction or respond with a quick it’s sleepy time, good night. sleep through the night. without cry it out. gentle sleep training. improving baby sleep. gentle sleep coach
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If your child is dragging out the request, set a timer gentle sleep training no cry it out sleep coach baby sleep help
Praise the child enthusiastically when they use the pass appropriately how to help my baby sleep without using cry it out
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The bedtime pass approach can also be used for night wakings help baby sleep without cry it out
The Excuse Me Drill
A responsive approach, focusing on positive behaviour and very gradually increasing independence at bedtime by leaving the room ‘to do something quickly’. sleep through the night. without cry it out. gentle sleep training. improving baby sleep.
Suitable for 3+ years
Very gradual and slow approach
Works well with very anxious children or parents
This approach is a very simple concept: start during the bedtime routine or tucking them in. For example, halfway through a story, excuse yourself and say you need to close a window, ask them to stay in bed and say you’ll be right back, leave briefly before they have the chance to get out of bed and then, when you return, give enthusiastic and detailed praise for them staying in bed e.g. ‘oh my goodness! Look how nicely you’re sitting in your bed. Oh wow, and you kept the book open for me! That’s brilliant, thank you!’. sleep through the night. without cry it out. gentle sleep training. improving baby sleep. help my baby sleep.
Spend a few minutes with them before making up another excuse. Keep your time out of the room very brief to start and very gradually, over the course of a month, start to leave for longer. The goal is working towards being outside the room when your child falls asleep. sleep through the night. without cry it out. gentle sleep training. improving baby sleep. help my baby sleep.
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Give this approach at least a month to see improvement
Even when lengthening how long you’re out the room, vary the time spent away
The key here is to only focus on positive behaviour. If the child gets out of bed, quietly bring them back to bed without commenting on it.
When giving praise provide details and use the phrase ‘’that shows me’’. For example, ‘I’m so proud of you for staying in your bed and cuddling bunny, that shows me you’ve really listened to what I said’
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The Sleep Fairy Method
In this approach a fairy, or any imaginary creature, visits the child and leaves a small prize under their pillow to reward the desired behaviour. sleep through the night. without cry it out. gentle sleep training. improving baby sleep. help my baby sleep.
Suitable for children 4+ years
Ideally used to target a specific issue rather than general uncooperativeness at bedtime
Let’s say you want your little one to stay in bed after lights out. You start by telling your child there is a sleep fairy who will visit them when they’re sleeping and leave a small present if they stay in their bed. Remind them of this at lights out. For 2 weeks, whenever they do this, leave a small present once they’re asleep. It could be a sticker, a penny, a drawing, anything small. After those 2 weeks, your child should be much more in the habit of staying in bed and the novelty of a surprise will start to wear off. Tell your child that the fairy needs to rest or has other houses to visit but will come back soon if they keep staying in bed and every now and then leave a surprise. gentle sleep training gentle sleep coaching gentle sleep coach gentle sleep consultant
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This approach works really well if you indulge in the magic of it so spend some time with your child fantasising about the sleep fairy. sleep through the night. without cry it out. gentle sleep training. improving baby sleep. help my baby sleep.
Little Belle Nightlights have the most wonderful fairy lantern lights which are handcrafted and painted, and come with a remote control to choose the colour of the light. They go perfectly with this approach and were actually created to assist in applying this intervention. You can use the code ‘’gentlenights10’’ to get 10% off your purchase!
Other Considerations
Schedule adjustments: sleep through the night. without cry it out. gentle sleep training. improving baby sleep. help my baby sleep.
The average age to stop napping in the day is between 2.5-3.5 years; most children reach this milestone around 3 years old.
If your child is around this age and bedtime is becoming challenging consider starting the process of dropping their nap. Initially cut down the nap to 30-45 minutes, move to a few naps a week and it should become clear when they no longer need it. sleep through the night. without cry it out. gentle sleep training. improving baby sleep. help my baby sleep.
After dropping their nap, usually bedtime moves a little earlier however it will gradually move later again. If your 4 year old isn’t falling asleep until 8.30pm be open to the idea that they’ve matured to a later bedtime, especially if they’re sleeping past 7am as the average night time sleep at this age is 10-10.5 hours.
Bedtime Fading: sleep through the night. without cry it out. gentle sleep training. improving baby sleep. help my baby sleep.
If you’re past the transition of dropping the afternoon nap and you’re feeling stuck in the cycle of bedtime being late and your little one is seeming tired during the day then bedtime fading can be a really useful tool.
This technique is based on the premise that if a child is resistant to going to bed, then delaying bedtime will increase their sleep pressure and decrease their resistance. This can change the pattern of a battle to fall asleep.
It’s only recommended in children 3 years +
Start by recording sleep patterns for a week, look at what time they actually fall asleep and take an average
Start bedtime 10-15 minutes before that average temporarily
Once your child is falling asleep more easily, move bedtime earlier in 10-15 increments every few days until you reach an age-appropriate bedtime
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Sometimes these waves of resistance to falling asleep are a way of our little ones expressing a craving for more closeness. This could be because of changes or anxieties that they’re not quite able to articulate and which are bothering them.
In any of the above approaches, even though I know it’s so hard when you’ve used up all your patience by the end of the day, do your best to work on being deliberately present and attentive around bedtime to help with this.
If you’re looking for any further assistance in choosing between and implementing any of these strategies, contact me and we can set up a consultation to help you feel confident, informed and fully prepared.
sleep through the night. without cry it out. gentle sleep training. improving baby sleep. help my baby sleep.