‘I’ve Tried Everything and My Baby Won’t Sleep!’ Some Considerations…

Here are some considerations for those parents who really feel they have tried absolutely

every tip that friends, family and the internet advise but are still really struggling with their

baby’s sleep!

1. After a change, wait at least 4-7 nights before expecting to see an improvement

During consultations with parents, I often hear them say: ‘we tried a dream feed once and it

didn’t work’ or ‘we put her down drowsy but awake one time but she just screamed’. What

most of these parent’s haven’t realised is that when you’re implementing a new strategy

you often need to try it for at least 4 days/nights before you see a difference.

The same techniques aren’t effective for every baby. Drowsy but awake (putting your baby

in their sleep space when they are awake but sleepy) works very rarely with no resistance

and dream feeds (feeding your baby whilst they are still sleeping) are about 50% effective as

some babies just don’t feed well in this way. So don’t give up straight away: try giving their

circadian rhythms and body a chance to adapt to a new strategy

2. Re-assess your expectations and avoid comparison

A huge aspect of my work as a sleep consultant, especially with babies under 6 months, is

helping parents to manage their expectations. With so much advertising of sleep

programmes s and products that claim to deliver a baby sleeping through the night from 6

weeks old and books promoting 12 hours undisrupted night sleep by 12 weeks, it’s no

wonder parent’s feel like they’re doing something wrong when their baby is feeding 2/3

times a night and awake every 2 hours. Sleeping through the night before 6 months isn’t

typical. It can happen but it’s definitely not the norm. Just because your baby is now 6

months that also doesn’t mean they no longer need to feed at night - every baby, just like

every adult, is unique.

I also recommend taking time away from speaking to others about your babies sleep

patterns and habits to clear some of the external voices and then start to listen to yourself a

little more. Changing your babies sleep can take a lot of will-power and consistency but if

that change doesn’t feel right to you then it’s going to be impossible to power through

those tough nights of change. Be sure to know your goals and feel at ease with them before

embarking on change.

Do you really want your baby sleeping independently in their cot? Or is this the cultural and

societal norm?

Are you really ready to move away from co-sleeping? Or do you actually love the cuddles

and closeness but want a bit more time to yourself? Because you can work on an in-

between instead!

3. Your baby might not fit the average

The sleep world very much promotes watching your baby’s wake windows (the amount of

time they can manage awake before becoming tired) and tracking how much total hours

sleep they are getting (both day and night time sleep). There are countless guidelines and

charts to show you the wake windows for your baby or toddler and the amount of total

hours sleep they should be achieving. It’s important to remember that these charts and

guides are based on averages. An average is a number which expresses the central value in

a set of data. That means within the research at the heart of the data, there were babies

with sleep needs over that average and under, that is how the average is calculated. So,

remember, your baby might be one of those who need more or less sleep than the charts

dictate.

If you stick to the averages rather than tuning into your baby’s needs (which are forever

changing!) then you may find yourself in a rut of sleeping problems such as cat naps, false

starts and early wake ups.

The best judge of how much sleep your baby needs is you! It’s hard when your confidence

has been knocked from trying tirelessly to ‘fix’ your babies sleep. Many mother’s feel

they’ve lost their intuition with making these judgements. If you’re in this self-doubting

frame of mind try to bring it back to basics and spend a day ignoring averages, not scrolling

through social media, and observe your baby. Keep a sleep log on a note on your phone, it

could look something like this:

Morning wake up: 6.30

Sleepy cues around 9

Nap 1 9.30-10.25 (50 mins)

Sleepy cues around 12.30

Nap 2 12.45-14.00 (1hr10mins)

Sleepy cues around 15.50

Nap 3 16.00-16.40 (40 mins)

Sleepy cues around 18.00

Bedtime 19.00 (fell asleep very quickly, was too drowsy)

Total daytime sleep (2hrs40mins)

Do this, also with an overview of the night, for a few days and see what your babies

averages are.

4. Sleep training – there are other options than cry-it-out and controlled crying

Lots of parents feel desperate for more sleep and, often pressured by others, they resort to

cry-it-out or controlled crying. They either can’t hack it and stop or they stick it out against

all their instincts and it doesn’t work or it doesn’t last. This is usually the point where

parents say they’ve tried everything and nothing works. Not every baby’s temperament fits

well with these methods and there are more gentle and holistic approaches.

When you’re choosing a sleep consultant here are some things to consider:

1. Where did they train?

Research their qualification and what it entails. Some courses are only 2 days, with

no experience or exams. As well as the course content, look at the hours in training,

mentorship, exams and experience.

2. Previous experience and educational background

Someone with hands on experience caring for children is ideal. Of course teachers

and social carers are good but knowing they’ve dealt with the sleep side of childcare

(like a nursery practitioner or nanny) in a professional manner (not just personally

with their own children) is reassuring too. Degrees in education, social care and

psychology are all relevant.

3. Their claims and promises

If the sleep consultant is making definite guarantees, it can be temping. But a well

researched and honest sleep consultant knows that cases can be complicated and

there are too many factors to consider to make a sweeping claim like getting your

baby to sleep through the night within a week.

4. The follow-up support offered

Having just one follow up after your consultation isn’t enough. It can be a tough

process to improve sleep and things are so dependent on how your little one

responds and their individual needs. You want a minimum of 4 follow ups and I find

8 is ideal.