Survival Guide for ‘‘Sleep Training’’

 I don’t love the term ‘sleep training’, it comes with all sorts of associations and connotations that I don’t promote.  It is, however, the most commonly used phrase to refer to teaching your child the skill of getting to sleep and back to sleep independently. To be clear, I’m not referring to leaving your child to cry it out alone. Learning this skill is a challenging process for a little one and it’s taxing on the parents or caregivers. As gradual and gentle as we aim to be, there will be tears (most likely from all parties involved).

As a gentle sleep coach, my work helps parents employ responsive and respectful strategies to improve a baby or child’s sleep. I’ve also been through the process with my own baby and, having guided and supported many families - all of them unique - I’ve come up with some practical tips that should help you through the difficult, albeit temporary, period of sleep training whatever your individual situation.

1.     Rally support

A strong support network is a necessity for any parent but it is especially crucial whilst you are helping your little one learn to self-soothe. It’s likely that you are starting your sleep training from a position of sleep deprivation and it’s almost certain that you will be getting even less sleep temporarily. Have a think about the people that you can ask to be around more during this time and book them in! Get out calendars and schedule in as much support as you possibly can. Those extra hours of rest or sleep will provide you with an increased ability to be consistent at night and reach your goals. Be wary of seeking support from people who trigger any insecurities or are overly critical, you’re likely to be extra sensitive and what you really need is encouragement and support. Explain this to your support network this before you begin!

2.     Prepare for the worst

It’s much easier to keep motivation up if you’ve faced up to your idea of the worst-case scenario. But also tell yourself that the scenario may be difficult but it’s only temporary.  Going into sleep training thinking, my baby probably won’t cry, could mean you are faced with a shock. It can be hard but you can achieve what you need to.

3.     Visualisation 

A huge help in pushing through those tough night wakings will be to visualise your goals. Remind yourself why you have decided you are ready to help your child sleep independently. Is it that you want more freedom and your own independence too? Picture date nights and sleeping in the same bed as your partner again. Picture a night out with some friends. Picture 6 hours uninterrupted sleep. Picture waking up after 6am instead of 5am. Picture getting a break in the day during nap time. Picture greeting your child with big smiles and loving cuddles in the morning. There is light at the end of the tunnel so it helps to remember what that can look like.

4.     Book in a treat  

You’ll probably have a time-frame in mind for how long the process will last, depending on what approach you are using and the temperament of your child, so add a week or two to this timeline and book in a treat to look forward to. This could be a date night, an evening out, a spa day, a couples massage, a bottomless brunch or anything that you want. I would suggest booking something that you can change dates if things don’t go as planned, as you don’t want this event to create any pressure or stress. But having something in the diary can be surprisingly motivating and assist that visualisation.

5.     Have your mantra’s at the ready

Think about what key phrases you find reassuring and motivating about sleep training. It will be helpful to repeat these to yourself if you have a moment of doubt. These could be phrases such as; I’m responding to my baby and they know I love them, I’m teaching my little one a lifelong skill, this will not jeopardise our relationship or bond, this is temporary, it will get better and easier.

6.     Practical preparation  

Stock the fridge with easy and healthy foods for the family, prepare some food for the week and get some meals in the freezer. If you have the possibility to get a cleaner for the period that would also be great but if you can’t then cut yourself some slack on the housework, the bathroom will survive not being cleaned as regularly as usual. If you have older children book in some extra playdates and childcare arrangements. This will allow you to sleep when your little one naps which will help combat the sleep deprivation and make it much easier to function throughout the day. It’s also ideal to go to bed earlier than usual during this time, it may feel like you don’t have a moment to yourself, but just remember that it’s only for a short time and that extra hour or two sleep can make a huge difference overall.

7.     Permission to stop

Whilst it’s important to encourage yourself and keep the end goal in sight in those tricky moments, this should be balanced with an opt out that has no guilt or sense of failure attached. If you decide something doesn’t feel right or you can’t manage it in that moment then that’s completely understandable. Think about if you want to slow down the process and adjust your goals, if you can make some adjustments to make the process more achievable or whether you want to stop all together. One adjustment option could be to stop nap coaching and focus on the nights or to slow down each stage. Start with that self-permission because it’ll help in making an accurate assessment for whether that’s the right decision and reduce any inner conflicts. Whatever your decision, you want to come out of this feeling empowered and confident, so check in with your instincts and intuition and keep a level head. There is no failure and no wrong decision, just what feels right for you and your family. If you do decide to stop it doesn’t mean all the hard work was for nothing, you will have learnt more about your little one and yourself and you can try again when you think it’s the right moment.